The New York Yankees are a disease. As long as the team is winning it spreads around the country through baseball season occasionally coming to a peak in the early Fall when millions of uneducated pieces of shit unite around the single biggest cause of the destruction of sports in American culture. To say the Phillies/Yankees World Series is a battle of Good vs. Evil isn’t doing the importance of this matchup justice.
In the red corner, you have a second rate city with second rate fans (per the NY Post, a daily rag put to better use on the bottom of New York birdcages rather than for actual reading) that is of infinitely more historical importance than the so-called “Big Apple.” After all, Philly was the Capital of the United States at one point in time. Our fans may be vocal (and occasionally a little too vocal) but our passion and love for our teams is unparalleled. Philadelphia is a true sports town and if you disagree look back at the articles and videos of the celebration after the Phillies finally ended the city’s Championship drought last October. We may not have the so-called glitz and glamour of our neighbor to the North, but unlike them we actually have a soul.
As for our team, we may not have the Yankees behemoth payroll and we may not throw out insanely bloated contracts to mediocre pitchers with career ERAs just below 4, but we have a group of guys who are fun to watch and actually give a damn about the success of the whole rather than the individual. They are a likeable group who would be fun to go to the bar and grab a beer or ten with after a game. They also grow some mean facial hair.
By far Jeter's favorite SNL moment. (@SeanoDotCom)
In the blue corner, you have a clubhouse built on a stellar foundation of bullshit images and drama queens. Derek Jeter gets an exemption from all of this: he is like the one decent guy out of a group of thugs who insists their mugging victim has taken enough of a beating for one night (though I will never forgive him for the single most overrated play of all-time…that routine catch he made a few years back that he followed up with an overly-dramatic and entirely unnecessary dive into the first row of seats at Old Yanker Stadium), but the rest of the team is a collection of cheats, liars, and flatout douchebags. Take a look at Alex Rodriguez and tell me he isn’t the single biggest rat bastard in all of sports. He makes way too much money, until recently couldn’t hit in the clutch to save his worthless life, he dates more Hollywood whores (looking at you Hudson) than Tony Romo and he has a small penis (an assumption but I presume it’s entirely accurate.) Oh and how could I forget HE F**KING CHEATED AND F**KING GOT AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE BUD SELIG IS A PUSSY! The only thing more pathetic than A-Fraud’s actual steroid abuse was the way he was so “apologetic” after it all happened…YOU WEREN’T SORRY FOR WHAT YOU DID, YOU WERE SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT YOU ASSHAT!
And what about the rest of this roster? Nick Swisher? Asshole who can’t hit but boy does he embody a “true” Yankee…that is he is a shitty player (also see: Brosius, Scott) who is for some reason beloved by New York fans for the one-in-a-thousand situation where he actually DOESN’T f**k everything up. CC Sabathia? So f**king fat he makes Rosie O’Donnell look like she’s bulimic. Hideki Matsui? Heartless, emotionless bore. Hell, even their announcers suck ass (just ask ANY self-respecting Yanker fan how they feel about John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman.)
Ahhhh Suzyn F**KING Waldman. So glad I brought this abortion of a human being up. First of all if spelling Susan as “SUZYN” isn’t seen as a cry for help than I don’t know what is. She is without a doubt the single worst “broadcaster” in modern society. Just watch this clip and tell me you would save this woman if she was about to be hit by an oncoming bus…”Oh my God John, of all the dramatic”………EAT SHIT AND DIE! Sterling and Waldman are so out-classed by Scott Franzke and Larry Anderson it’s not even funny.
By far Gay-Rod's favorite moment from the 2009 season. (@wootsybaby & @AshleyGX26_STC)
You also gotta love an organization that waits until one of the worst recessions in U.S. economic history to build a new stadium, only to price their true fans out of anything but the bloodiest of the nose bleeds. Way to show you care, Yanker front office dickwads (then again, if my fans were as trashy as many New Yorkers I’d probably want to relegate them to the cheap seats as well.)
If there was ever a more defining difference between these two teams it comes down to their motivation for winning it all. The Yankers war cry revolves around winning a 27th World Series Title (they ONLY have 26?!? Poor babies!) and winning one for A-Fraud…because he is such a genuinely likeable guy that totally deserves a Championship right?!? As if Yanker fans could be any more classless, here’s a tweet from Anthony Cumia , a crappy radio shock jock and noted Yanker fan after New York clinched a spot in the Series:
@AnthonyCumia Fuck you Philly trash ass dickbags. We just beat the DEAD GUY TEAM.They played for a dead guy and lost. I can’t wait to watch your city burn
Cumia is of course referring to Nick Adenhart, a promising 22-year old pitcher for the Halos who was stuck and killed by a drunk driver after making his first career Major League start earlier this season. Never too soon to make fun of a horrible situation like that eh Yanker fans?!?
While the selfish pricks in New York are playing for themselves and another spot in Satan’s trophy case the Phillies are playing for Harry Kalas, one of the all-time great broadcasters and a man who had more class in his left pinky than anyone in the Yankees organization combined. How a great human being like Kalas could pass before a tyrant like George Steinbrenner is another disturbing sign that God may be giving up on humanity as a whole.
So there you have it: over-paid, underachieving, egomaniacal assholes from New York versus the everyday hardworking gents from the City of Brotherly Love. May the best team win.
Phils in 6.
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