The following is a guest post from a friend of Phinally Philly, Jon B.
Earlier this week Eagles Coach Andy Reid was called in for his annual mid-season review with team owner Jeffrey Lurie and President Joe Banner at the Linc. The transcript of that meeting is what follows:
Jeffrey Lurie: Sorry that we’re getting to this a week late. Joe didn’t get back from Dallas until yesterday.
Joe Banner: I had trouble finding my way out of that stadium in Texas. Man, it’s really big.
Lurie: Rough game against the Cowboys. I thought you should have gotten one of those calls. They say everything is bigger in Texas. Maybe it’s 11 yards for a first down there? Joe, check on that. But you’ve gotta hand it to Wade Phillips. He’s just one of the all-time great minds in football.
Banner: And San Diego was a rough one too.
Lurie: Turner as well. Just another all-time great football mind. It’s understandable.
Andy Reid: I just have to put my guys in a better position….
Joe Banner: (Raises an open palm to Reid) Don’t even start buddy, you know we love you. It’s just… we’re getting a little heat from above that you’re not living up to expectations.
Reid: Above?
Lurie: Well, maybe not above, but not everyone is thrilled with your performance.
Reid: Who are we talking about?
Banner: No one in particular.
Lurie: It’s a few hundred thousand people. Maybe a million tops. They mostly live in the area.
Banner: A few in Florida maybe.
Lurie: They’re not happy. They’re saying that they’ve had enough of you.
Reid: I know who you’re talking about. I don’t give them the time of day.
Lurie: Yeah, they said that too.
Reid: (Looking around) Are they coming to this interview?
Lurie: Nah, don’t be ridiculous.
Banner: Of course we invited them, but they’ll never find parking around here.
Lurie: Look Andy, we just want to ask you a few questions and get this thing over with… McNabb’s future, Westbrook, the names of our linebackers, the play calling, why we have Vick, why DeSean doesn’t get the ball more often. Just a few things.
Banner: Let’s start with the offensive line….
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER…
Banner: (Wiping his brow) Andy, we’re not getting anywhere.
Lurie: So far you’ve passed on about 70% of the questions.
Banner: You can’t pass that often.
Lurie: Maybe 60% of the questions. But not 70%.
Banner: He’s right. 70’s too much. We’re going to cut to the chase and give you a final two minutes to justify your existence.
Reid: Whoa! Two minutes?! Time out!!
Lurie: (Shaking his head) Sorry, you don’t have any.
Banner: You used those up on bathroom breaks.
Lurie: And when you placed that take out order. Lasagna at 10:30 in the morning? Seriously?
Banner: Clock’s running…
Reid: …err….
Lurie: Andy? Are you ok?
Reid: …umm….
Banner: You look confused. Don’t go the menu… no more food.
Lurie: Down to 90 seconds…
Banner: You might want to do something.
Reid: …uhh…beelllchhh…
Banner: Oh, did you just throw up?
Lurie: (Buzzing on the intercom) Roz – send in those dogs from the Vick charity event to clean this mess up.
Roz: Yes Mr. Lurie.
Lurie: Alright Andy, get your act together man. Less than a minute. You can still comeback here.
Banner: What are you doing Andy? Taking a knee?
Lurie: Andy you’re not ahead here.
Reid: I’m praying.
Banner: Oy vey.
Lurie: Alright Andy, this is it. Last question – why should we keep you?
Reid: (Thinks) Got someone else to fill my shoes?
Banner/Lurie: (Vacant stares)
Reid: My shirt?
Banner/Lurie: (Still vacant)
Reid: How ‘bout the pants?
Lurie: (Extends hand) So we’ll see you next year buddy?
Banner: Nice job Andy. How about a sandwich? Maybe an extension?
Everyone shakes.
***
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