Phinally Philly

Courtesy of the fine folks over at Kissing Suzy Kolber, we have our first Wednesday’s Worst in quite some time. This week the dishonor goes to the over-zealous Eagles fan on the left.

A few things here…first of all, if the girl on the right has any interest in going on a date with a handsome, charming Philly blogger in Orange County just leave me a little comment on this post and we’ll make it happen. I appreciate your enthusiasm, to say the least.

Now let’s discuss this specimen on the left. I’m all for dressing up and having a good time at a sporting event; after all that is the reason we put up with insane ticket and beer prices to actually go right? That being said there is “dressing up”, and something known as “dressing down”, aka “making your fanbase look like a bunch of insane whores.”

The green hair dye would have been more than enough, but was the silver body paint/bikini top/ridiculous-looking bird on the face ensemble really necessary?!? Not that I have a huge problem with a girl flaunting the goods, but when you take it this far you are not only embarrassing yourself but your team and its fans.

I know Eagles fans don’t have the best reputation in the world, but there has to be something that separates us from pathetic individuals like the one on the left and the weak use of face paint is one of those things. That and having an IQ over 10.

So take this as a fair warning my fellow Philly brethren…it is in fact possible to go too far when dressing up for a sporting event, especially on the road where you are not only representing your team but your city too. Keep that rule close at heart, lest you end up being made fun of on the internet like our not-so-wise female friend in the silver body paint.

As for the friend in the DeSean Jackson jersey? Ain’t NOTHIN’ wrong with that!

Cole Hamels made quite a name for himself in the 2008 postseason, developing into arguably one of the most dominant pitchers in the majors. Since then however, Hamels performance on and off the field has suffered and he is quickly earning himself a bad reputation in the City of Brotherly Love. These incredibly awkward, infinitely Photoshopable magazine ads won’t help his cause, either.

Cole has officially become Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in Major League II. Seriously, just read this tidbit from the Major League II Wikipedia page and tell me it doesn’t immediately remind you of Cole:

“The success of last season has changed the attitudes of the Indians. Pitching sensation Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) is now a bland yuppie concerned about his endorsement potential, causing him to lose the edge on his fastball.”

After being named World Series MVP it’s understandable that he’d make a few late night talk show and commercial appearances, and I’d probably be ok with that if he only did a few here or there if he actually had a personality. Unfortunately Cole is trying too hard to be something he’s not…

Did he inhale ten balloons worth of helium or does he really sound like that?

Seem familiar though?

He may be from California, but he sure as hell can’t act. And what about that whole dog-backpack fiasco?!?

Don't fight it Charlie, just embrace it.

All this leads me to ask one question Cole…**Trying and failing to act surprised** “Who are you?”

Are you the same pitcher who won five playoff games last year and was near unhittable, or the guy who has struggled this season with a losing record and a 4.32 ERA? Are you the reigning World Series MVP, or someone who ran his mouth about the Mets being choke artists only to post a scintillating 7.20 ERA against said choke artists.

It pains me to write all this because I met Cole and he seems like a good guy, but you have to wonder if the fame and fortune (or his attention-whore of a wife) aren’t getting to his head. Maybe he needs to ditch Heidi and get back together with an old flame…it seemed to work for Wild Thing. Either way the Phils won’t repeat unless their ace gets his mojo back, which may have to involve Jamie Moyer and Pedro Martinez slapping the crap out of him in a back alley until he agrees to never film another commercial again. Believe me when I say human kind, and the Phillies, would be better off.

[Oh No. Cole Lobs a Softball] The 700 Level

Deadspin did all the work for me for Wednesday’s Worst this week…they’ve managed to put together an incredible summary of the Mets 2009 season, complete with tons of videos and a cat that plays the keyboard. “Infinitely satisfying” does not even begin to describe this, folks.

One thing they left out? David Wright’s new Lord Helmet-inspired batting helmet.

I might as well rename this column “Metsfail of the Week.” What do you think?

It’s been a while since I tackled a Wednesday’s Worst, and there’s a lot of justice to dole out. So let’s get to it…

First, I had to share my amusement with the announcement that the NAACP is planning a “massive demonstration” outside Lincoln Financial Field Thursday to support Mike Vick. Regardless of how you feel about the issue I fail to see what it has to do with race, besides the fact that the idiot at the center of the controversy is black. I’d be willing to bet 95% of the people who will boo him on Thursday will be doing it because of his past actions, not the color of his skin.

A quote from the ringleader in charge of the circus, J. Whyatt Mondesire, president of the Philadelphia chapter of the NAACP:

“We believe Michael Vick has served his time, paid his debt to society and deserves a second chance and the animal rights groups want to hold him hostage for the rest of his life.”

Fair enough. A lot of people agree with that sentiment.

“We think that’s patently unfair. It denies Michael Vick’s basic civil rights, denies him his ability to make a living.”

Whoa whoa whoa…WHAT?!? What the hell does any of this have to do with CIVIL RIGHTS? The man tortured countless animals and was a major participant in an illegal operation; I fail to see how the color of his skin fits into all of this. Oh that’s right…BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

This is aside from the fact that staging a demonstration prior to a game doesn’t really help anyone. All it will do is stir up even more controversy and probably get a few people arrested. This is exactly the kind of distraction I was talking about when the Eagles first signed Vick. Is all this worth it for a mediocre backup QB?

Another good question here would have to be if Vick was white, would ANY of these organizations be supporting him? No? Interesting. And people wonder why many of us no longer take the NAACP seriously, CAUSE IT’S A JOKE! Take the time to help those who are really being discriminated against instead of going for the headlines to selfishly further your own cause, J. Whyatt Mondesire.

**UPDATE** Big time props to Sheil Kapadia over at the Moving the Chains blog for pointing out that Mondesire is the same chump who ripped Donovan McNabb a few years back…

“…he’s the guy who wrote a column back in November, 2005, which ripped Donovan McNabb for his reasoning behind not running more.

“In essence Donny, you are mediocre at best,” Mondesire wrote at the time. “And trying to disguise that fact behind some concocted reasoning that African American quarterbacks who can scramble and who can run the ball are somehow lesser field generals … is more insulting off the field than on.”

Mondesire said “McNabb doesn’t get it” and added that he is “not that good.”

So to be clear, the guy who is holding a pro-Vick rally is the same guy who doesn’t think McNabb is very good.

Tomorrow is set up to be the strangest Eagles preseason game I can remember.”

Just Admit You Were Wrong Gary!

The NHL made a move today to try to keep the Phoenix Coyotes from relocating, submitting a bid to buy the team out of bankruptcy. This is clearly a ploy to keep Jim Balsille from buying the team and moving it back to Canada. What a coincidence eh? Bettman was named Commissioner to help establish the league in the South and the West, and one of his big moves was to approve moving the Jets from Winnipeg to Phoenix. Now that the team has turned into a bankrupt mess with zero fan support, Bettman is trying to cover his ass by making the league pay for his mistake.

Yet another disgrace for the worst Commissioner is professional sports. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the NHL will never emerge from second-class status in the US until that bumbling piece of crap is kicked to the curb. Just resign already Gary.

Jamie,

Before I get going here I just wanted to say I have all the respect in the world for what you’ve accomplished over your long career, and what you helped the Phillies do last season. That being said, there are times when silence is golden and this one of them. Anyone will tell you baseball is a business and if anyone should understand that it should be you.

Moyer should have figured out the way the game of baseball works by now.

You say you feel misled, that the Phillies told you something like this wouldn’t happen before the season started. Here’s the problem Jamie; in baseball things change. Could Ruben Amaro Jr. have predicted at the beginning of the season that he’d have a chance to add Cliff Lee and Pedro Martinez to the starting rotation? Probably not, but if an opportunity arises to make your team better you do it. That is Ruben’s job, after all.

There’s no room for sentiment in the numbers-driven game of baseball, and in this case those numbers (5.47 ERA, 1.51 WHIP, 0-2 with a 7.20 ERA in August) leave you as the odd man out in the rotation. Last season you allowed four or more earned runs in just seven out of 33 starts. This year, in just 22 starts you’ve allowed that many runs twelve times. You followed up an impressive regular season in ‘08 with an 8.49 playoff ERA and you haven’t regained your form since then. The only consistent thing about your performance this season is that it has been radically inconsistent.

But keep in mind things do change in this fickle game. Martinez could struggle and you could go back to starting in a matter of weeks. That’s what makes your comments so confounding: you claim you don’t want to be a distraction, but that’s exactly what you’ve become. You say that this is a job and you’ll do what you’re told, yet you publically question your boss and directly contradict the very words that are coming out of your mouth.

Had the Phillies swept the Marlins and built a seemingly insurmountable lead in the NL East then you might have had a case for not losing your job, but the closeness of this divisional race makes your comments all the more inappropriate. The better thing to do would have been to accept your demotion with grace, continue to help the team any way you can, and stay prepared in case you were called upon to start again. Instead you ran your mouth, moped in the corner, and have generated a massive controversy this team didn’t need. This is the last thing I’d expect from a man who built his entire career and reputation with class.

And I’m disappointed in you.

Sincerely,

David Foley

The comedy of errors that has been the New york Mets 2009 season added yet another chapter of incompetence last night. A brief summary for those that missed it…

- Luis Castillo sprains his ankle walking back to the dugout after a seventh-inning at-bat. He hurt it trying to avoid stepping on a glove on the stairs.

- K-Rod blows another save, giving up the tying two runs on three hits in a 41 pitch ninth. Adding insult to injury this came after Johan Santana left the game with the lead through eight.

- Albert Pujols caps off the night with a grand slam, leading the Cardinals to a come-from-behind win in the 10th.

Absolutely incredible…while I don’t exactly take pride in a kicking a fan base while their down I think I’ll make a special exception here.Why? Because “Mess” fans deserve it.

Hell even when the Mets win they still find a way to lose. Jonathon Niese and Gary Sheffield both left the game today against the Cardinals with injuries. I really can’t wait to see what they come up with next…maybe Mr. Met will get pummelled by an angry fan and miss the rest of the season? Either way I’m still waiting for Jerry Manuel to jump off a bridge.

Look on the bright side though Met fans, at least you still have this guy…

The last few months have been absolutely brutal for Met fans. Just about every decent player in the lineup has been hurt at some point or another, they are way out in the NL East race, and now even their front office members seem to be losing their minds. Per ESPN:

“Tony Bernazard, a New York Mets executive, recently challenged one of club’s minor league teams to a fight during a postgame clubhouse tirade, the New York Daily News reported, citing multiple sources with ties to the team.

Bernazard, the team’s vice president for player development, pulled off his shirt and challenged the Double-A Binghamton Mets in the tirade, about 10 days before the All-Star break. He in particular targeted middle infield prospect Jose Coronado, according to the report.”

I pray there is a video of this somewhere. Pulling off the shirt is a really nice touch too, who does this guy think he is Hulk Hogan? If he ever wants to pursue a career in the WWE and needs something to call himself I suggest “Big Hazard Bernazard.” Messing with him can be HAZARDOUS to your health! **Cue rimshot**

Then of course there is this video making the rounds on the internet. Rough night for Bingo the Bee:

First I have to give a shoutout to Lucas Duda, who played for the University of Southern California while I was there before (unfortunately) ending up in the Mets organization. Good guy.

Second, why is it the Mets have the lamest mascots in sports? Mr. Met is quite possibly the stupidest thing ever conceived by a human mind (imagine a basketball team having a giant walking basketball for a mascot, or a hockey team with a dude walking around with a puck for a head…yeah pretty asinine right?) And don’t even get me started on the stupidest “tradition” in the Majors: the apple coming out of the top hat when the Mets hit a homer. Thank God it is a such a rare occurance that we don’t have to see it very often.

Well add Bingo the Bee to the list…quite honestly I’ve seen more bad ass mascots in the WNBA. I especially love the propellor on top of the hat and the little fairy wings on the back. In his defense he’s still tougher than Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado combined.

Props to @krad8 and @patsully for finding both of these terrific stories.

Believe it or not, there is more to the NHL than just one player.

I wasn’t actually planning on doing a Wednesday’s Worst this week. It was a slow sports day, Pedro is officially a Phil, and I was just generally in a pretty darn good mood.

Till I read Scott Burnside’s column about the upcoming Winter Classic.

I typically respect Burnside’s work and he usually knows what he’s talking about. You wouldn’t get that impression however if you read that column. An excerpt, if you will:

“If the point of the Winter Classic is to showcase the game’s greatest talents on a grand and unusual stage, to appeal to an audience that might not otherwise tune in to NHL games, it behooves the NHL to do it right. It behooves the NHL not to compromise on a product with a proven ability to achieve those lofty goals.

That at least three of these outdoor games will pass without the Caps and Ovechkin on display is ludicrous.

If, as sources tell ESPN.com, the decision was made based largely on the fact that Philadelphia is a bigger television market than Washington, someone ought to send those decision-makers video of some of Ovechkin’s many highlight-reel goals.”

I’m not just going to pick on Burnside here; this is a fundamental problem with the way the NHL is marketed by Gary Bettman and the Worldwide Leader.

Hockey isn’t basketball. The superstars aren’t on the ice for the entire game, and they don’t launch 20-30 shots on goal individually each night (Kobe, AI, I’m looking at you guys.) A franchise player like Cindy Crybaby or Alex Ovechkin may only spend 20-25 minutes on the ice  in any given game and get anywhere from five to ten shots.

There isn’t as much of a focus on the individual in the NHL as they might be in the NBA or even the NFL, but don’t try telling that to the higher-ups at ESPN or even the “almighty” Commissioner himself.

Hockey is more akin to soccer in that a star may make an incredible play once in a while and they may get a bit more attention from the defense, but if you are going to win you need to have a good TEAM. While Gary Bettman is trying to shove Cindy Crosby down every hockey fan’s throat the true fans know that there is a lot more to the Pens’ success than #87. Where would Crosby be without Malkin, Gonchar, or Marc-Andre Fleury?

The Red Wings may not have a marketable face (sorry Pavel and Henrik) but they sure do win a lot and are a fun team to watch. ESPN may have fallen head over heels for the fancy goal, or the big save  (after all these “highlight reel moments” are all you see on SportsCenter anymore) but there is a lot more to the game of hockey than these few moments of pomp and circumstance.

No, you won’t see Ovie score a goal from his back in this year’s Winter Classic, but you will see an intense game between two of the better teams in the Eastern Conference in what could be a budding rivalry between two franchises with a deep-rooted history and tons of young talent. More people may know about Mike Richards and Milan Lucic if the NHL didn’t spend so much time on JUST Crosby and Ovechkin. Flyers-Bruins could be a great rivalry in the NHL for the next decade, so having them star in the Winter Classic is actually a pretty darn good idea. Believe it or not: you don’t have to have #8 or #87 on the ice to have an entertaining hockey game. With those two guys you may witness an awesome play or tow during a game, but when two good TEAMS do battle you get 60 minutes of awesomeness. Which is better?

Another element that has to be considered in taking the Flyers over the Caps for the Winter Classic is the fan base. I think saying Philly is a bigger TV market (which it actually is) the NHL was delicately trying to say that they Flyers have a much bigger, more passionate following than the Caps. You can call me a homer, but anybody who has followed the game pre-2005 (aka “before Ovechkin”) and went to a game in D.C. can attest to the sparse crowds and lacking interest in the team despite a Cup run. Add in the bad blood between the Flyers and Bruins and you have yourself what is sure to be a heated game and a fired up crowd. You wouldn’t get that with the Washington Ovechkins in Fenway.

Burnside’s one-sided column reveals a big problem with the way the game of hockey is seen by some: it’s all about the big names and that’s about it. While that may fly in some sports, hockey doesn’t quite fit that made for mainstream mold. That’s something people like Scott Burnside or Gary Bettman don’t understand, but here’s hoping one day they see the light at the end of the zamboni tunnel.

This photo comes courtesy of Deadspin and Yellaphant…supposedly that is Phils Ace Cole Hamels carrying around a very fashionable dog backpack.

“Take my word that this is the unstoppable Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels. B and I walked right past Cole and his wife Heidi at Philadelphia’s Fourth of July celebration on the parkway. We were all excited. And then he turned around. Seriously, dude?”

You gotta give Cole credit for having the stones to rock the dog bag, assuming it is actually him of course.  Congrats Cole, this may be the only time you ever take home Wednesday’s Worst!

Now for the inevitable one-liners:

- I’m not sure who’s the bigger bitch, the dog or the wife for making Cole lug this shit around. **cue rimshot**

- You know there’s a problem when the dog gets more lovin’ from the wife then Cole does. **cue rimshot**

- When they take the dog for a walk Cole must be the one who has to wear the leash. **cue rimshot**

- Just be thankful Cole that you guys don’t own a German Sheppard!

Dishonorable mentions after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve tried to think of ways the month of June could have been worse for the Phils, but I really can’t. I know Kieran already covered some of this in the post below but it really bears repeating how absolute crappy this past month has been for the Fightins:

- Brett Myers’ season-ending surgery was announced in late May, which served as a fitting preview for what was to come. Brad Lidge, Raul Ibanez, Scott Eyre, Antonio Bastardo, and Clay Condrey all went on the DL in June.

- Adding insult to injury, Ryan Howard missed a game against the Orioles with the flu, ending his 343 consecutive games streak.

- Jimmy Rollins probably should have sat for the entire month. He hit .167 in June, and Charlie Manuel’s stubborn reluctance to move him out of the leadoff spot is killing the offense.

- The Phils bullpen, which had been so dominant in 2008, blew 5 saves in just one month (2 for Lidge, 3 for Madson.)

- All in all the Phillies went 11-15 in June, including dropping six in a row to perennial pushovers Toronto and Baltimore. While they still hold first place (for now) they blew a great opportunity to build a big division lead.

On the plus side, at least today is July 1st. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean we are out of the woods just yet; the Phillies went 15-10 in July of 2008, but only because of a five game winning streak in the last five games of the month. What does that tell you? We may not see the Phillies really wake up until after the All-Star break.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

ESPN completely ignoring the start of NHL free agency

I understand they don’t have the TV rights, but that doesn’t mean you ignore the sport entirely. On the front page of ESPN.com there are stories about Wimbledon, fantasy football, some piece comparing the way the Angels are run compared to the Clippers (?!?), and NBA free agency. The only mention of hockey at all is in the headlines box on the right, and it is usually news that is at least a couple hours old. As you might expect, TSN is updating their site with signings way faster, so I highly suggest going there to get your hockey news.